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Well, Look.

I'm probably going to write in here again, simply because I want a record of my feelings for the next few weeks. I doubt any of my friends use their old accounts, so I should be safe.

And You.Collapse )

God Hates Me.

He really hates me. Like. Wants me to do as the lemmings do.

First, my aunt has cancer. Woo.
Then, my grandmother goes to the hospital.
Plus the usual shit.
And other stuff.
And then I see a random person die.


Really? I guess my phototaxic tendancies can get me fucked sometimes, I was just trying to find a window to absorb some sunlight. It wasn't even like I knew who that was. A random person in the hospice, in a coma. By chance I decided to walk down that area, not wanting to be cramped in the room with triple X and my mom. We were already near the hospice, and I walked down the hallway and stopped at the water fountain. I leaned against the wall and looked into the room across, which contained someone who I assumed was in a coma.

My overactive imagination placed myself in that situation; she had no visitors, no flowers, no cards, no sign of life. I stared for a little bit, letting thoughts overflow in my brain until I heard the classic flatline sound and of course, it came from that room. Nurses flooded the scene, and didn't even try to shock her back. I guess she was too frail and old. Or maybe no one gave a shit, so why try?

What could I do? Just walk back, and pretend I never saw anything. It really didn't affect me that much. I had no emotional attachment. Maybe I was supposed to witness my own mortality right then, but I didn't. I just saw myself as everyone seems convinced I'll end up. Alone.

If you care, I'm not okay. I would very much like someone to come along and let me melt in their arms, and allow myself to be weak for one minute. To stop being so fucking anxious. To stop having problems. I would just like attention, right now.

Also not dry hands.

lol. Irony @ the music.

Christmas :)

Merry Christmas, ell jay. :)

I suppose the last couple of days are sitting in my mind, unwinding from their raw state into this elaborate showdown that I never intended to happen before Christmas.

"Nobody wants you, just leave."

Who knew I could be so nasty? It's almost unreal, sickening how I can loose control so fast and let my anger get the best of me. I knew exactly where to attack, I held back a little bit, I suppose, but still. I feel bad, but at the same time I feel oddly empowered. Especially whilst insulting his intelligence, I suppose I've always felt like that. Blowing smoke and pretending to know more than he actually does. Even though I do admit his memorization abilities are way above the norm, he's no more intelligent than I am. :)

This is why I absolutely lo-ove Charlotte. <3

Also; I went to bed ridiculously early last night. Ten thirty? What the hell? Meaning I woke up at about four in the morning and took an hour to fall back asleep because of a nightmare, and woke up again at eight. Well rested? I hope so.

Know what I wish I could do right now? Go to a bar and just flirt with everyone in sight. it's one of those days where I feel okay. :)


If I die, then I die loving you.

Maybe one day I'll wake up and think;

Wow. That was stupid.

There is a love, of course! A love so pure, that maybe I'll have to spend years trying to figure out how I was so damn lucky to find it. Analyze every nook and cranny and every decision I ever made that leads me straight to you. But the likeliness of that is so low, in fact, no one should subscribe to that way of thinking.

One day, my prince will come.

Did the fairy tale books tell you that Prince Charming would come bearing Trojan condoms and a bottle of wine? Or did they edit that little piece out, conveniently? Did anyone tell them that they lied, not every little girl could be a princess?

I wonder if anyone has any real expectations for love. :/

I'm so sick of people giving up on me because I'm a little messed up.

Dec. 12th, 2009

Last year, my English class read "The Great Gatsby" - and our end of the year project was to write a summary of each of the chapters. I remember absolutely nothing about the book, but when I read the project over, I remembered being so bored and having to do this for a few straight hours. So, I guess I'll share the first chapter of my little journal thing for the book, since all of them would be all annoying and people would want to kill yourself.

1/9 ;

Silly Eleventh Grade MeCollapse )


Besides from this - all I have to say is that I hate AP Government class. It's really horrible; I don't want to write about how political parties have evolved and how it's different from Clinton's election up to today. It's nothing I've ever, nor will ever be interested in. Maybe I shouldn't have taken the class. But I won't give up. I guess I got my stubborn genes from my mother, or something.

On a brighter note; I'm in Albany. Gonna see the Trans Siberian Orchestra tomorrow. I guess I'll talk about it tomorrow, that is, if I feel like it. :)

Aside: [[ "Life without love means nothing." Funny. :| ]]
Hello internet, I return once more.
Today I went to the city with Adam. It's kinda like a whole different world, even if it's only a few hours away. It's so sad - they don't even have snow there. :/ That depresses me.

Though, I saw the Radio City Christmas show which was amazing. The dancers were excellent and I have only good things to say about that part of my day.

However, I did get struck with a little fit of bipolar insanity / paranoia, when a friend of mine who I was supposed to meet in the city called last minute and told me they were gonna be a no show. Anyone who knows me knows I would flip shit, and I did. Go from being really angry (though, it's not really their fault) to really depressed to just wanting my way (which, when I didn't get what I wanted and realized I wouldn't, kinda calmed down.) to throwing an anger fit at home (woops?). Plus, reverting back to middle school thought process; "Oh, he just wanted to ditch me, and made up some shitty reason not to show." Which I still believe a little bit, and am very disturbed by everything, but whatever.

Either way, it seems like some higher diety was fucking with me and decided it would be funny to make my day even worse. Even thought most of it was really good - besides the friend issue - I came home and my Goddamn internet wasn't working. So eventually, I threw a hissy fit because I'd been angry most of the day anyway, and just was frustrated in general. I hadn't gotten to see a person I hadn't seen in like, four months (it's a long time for me, okay?) and then I couldn't even go online to talk to anyone. So my Dad let me use his computer to do whatever. This is why my dad is simply amazing.

Something else that bothered me about today.

AngryangryangryCollapse )
By the by;

I'm not jewish, but this song - not the lyrics or anything, but just the sound - makes me so sad, happy, and nostalgic. I found it on the train today, to NYC, and I got all happy. I remember being five, and looooooving this song. It brings back so many memories, it's a tad bit ridiculous. I miss those days. And I wish Christmas could be that happy again one day. (:

I feel like I have more to say, and I'm writing this in a different tone than I would normally (less technical, more emotional? Is that really how I write?), but I feel much happier now that I'm home upstate, don't smell like the subway anymore, and I have some access to internet - even if it is limited.

I guess that's it.


beeteedubs; no spell check on here, so if I mispelled something, fuck off.

Slender man?

Okay. So I TOTALLY know this shit is fake, but really, Deetox? Maybe I won't be able to sleep at night because of you. And when I have nightmares, I'm going to call your phone and complain about it. (http://www.mythicalcreaturesguide.com/page/Slender+Man)

I guess my "only one journal entry per day" OCD tendancies have subsided so that I'm able to post within five hours of each entry. Because this is fuckin' wierd.

I'm sad and lonely and want hugs. Thought I should document that. Also, I hate being confused about emotions. Fuckin' hormones.

Snow Days

Snow days.

One of the only good things about high school.

They're great, you don't get woken up at 6 in the morning to haul your sorry ass out of bed, take a shower and do your hair all nice so you can impress your peers who are in the same situation as you. Instead, you get to sleep in until about twelve in the afternoon. Also all that homework that was due the next day gets pushed back, and you have the entire day to relax (or do homework that was actually due that day that you hadn't yet started) and call up your friends to talk about how awesome the weather is. And if you're lucky, maybe you'll go outside and make a snowman or a snow angel or snowboard... the possibilities are simply endless.

The down side of snowdays?
All your appointments from after school get cancelled, because the roads are filled with frozen water and your little '96 Buick Century might just fly off the road and crash into a tree or something. Even if by now, the plow has gone by three or four times.

In addition to this, last time I checked, snowplows don't go up your driveway. So if you have an obnoxiously large driveway, you have to shovel out your car and put salt down so that when the sun decides to warm up the snow and make it melt just a little bit, only to go away again so that the water from the melted snow turns into ice (then your Buick Century actually does slide off the road, and perhaps flip over).

Don't get me wrong, I love snow days. It was literally the definition of all things good in middle school (that and quiz night with Mr. Quinn), but now all I can think of is that there is a limited amount of them, and they get wasted on days that were supposed to be half days anyway.

Looking at the clock, I know I'd be out of school right now anyway, so really, I basically slept through what would have been my three hours of school. It's a nice break, I suppose, but since the superintendent is stingy with our snow days, when we run out of them and they decide to close anyway that's one less day of summer and working I get to use.

So basically, all I wanted to say was:

Fuck you, weather.

Random Ramblings

I suppose I should write about my day.

Or how I'm feeling.

Or what I'm thinking about.

Or my views on a certain subject.

Or, how I have a new pet "lez been". ( You know it, Deetox)

The best however, would most likely be introducing myself to the cyber community, except for one thing...

Oh wait, no one cares.

Perhaps I'll rant about how much I hate being idolized.
Rant...ish.Collapse )